Is it wrong to play favorites?

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maytess12
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Is it wrong to play favorites?

Postby maytess12 » Wed Jun 20, 2012 10:15 pm

I'm not a mother, and don't plan on becoming one anytime soon (not something 19-year-old girls do). But I've always wondered what it be like to one day have a child of my own. I'd name my child Emily. I was on this site called Netmums, one of the most popular parenting websites in the UK, and a fairly recent survey shows one in six mothers has a favorite child – but would never admit to it.

More than 1,000 mothers responded to the survey, with 16% admitting that they love one child more than the others. 1/3 said that they love their children in exactly the same way, while just over 1/2 said they love their children differently – but equally.

I have a friend, Sue, 21, who admitted she loved one of her children over the other. And yesterday, she said that really scared the sh*t of me:

"There are moments – in my least sane and darkest thoughts – when I think it wouldn’t be so bad if I lost my Cindy (1), as long as I never had to lose my Bobby (2)."

Which makes me sad to just that. :(
Dr Sleep
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Re: Is it wrong to play favorites?

Postby Dr Sleep » Wed Jun 20, 2012 11:16 pm

Its interesting brought it up.

Well I was never my mom's favorite. I was my father's favorite. He always took me out to football games, played sports with me, but then one day he went to Iraq and I never saw him again, I was 7. I've tried to gain my mother's acceptance for years but she could never tell. She always spoke highly of my brother, and STEP-sister for that matter. Me, she always made feel like everything I do was wrong (still does). But I stopped caring about her. I seeked for acceptance from my friends, and they became my family. I'm gonna tell them my final goodbye tonight.

I used to feel sad about it but now I don't give two sh*ts.
Big-Will
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Re: Is it wrong to play favorites?

Postby Big-Will » Wed Jun 20, 2012 11:49 pm

It's wrong to play favorites, since you want to love your kids equally, but you end up having a favorite or two anyway. The secret is in having enough love to pass around and not to focus too much on your favorite.
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Unassumption
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Re: Is it wrong to play favorites?

Postby Unassumption » Thu Jun 21, 2012 12:38 am

I think a lot of parents, at least subconsciously, have favourites, but trying not to act on it is something parents should always try however much their kids cock up. The more kids you have at the same time, the more likely it'll hapen I guess.
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Dr Sleep
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Re: Is it wrong to play favorites?

Postby Dr Sleep » Thu Jun 21, 2012 1:27 am

Big-Will wrote:It's wrong to play favorites, since you want to love your kids equally, but you end up having a favorite or two anyway. The secret is in having enough love to pass around and not to focus too much on your favorite.

Do you have children?
bazi42
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Re: Is it wrong to play favorites?

Postby bazi42 » Thu Jun 21, 2012 2:07 am

maytess12 wrote:I'm not a mother, and don't plan on becoming one anytime soon (not something 19-year-old girls do).


like hell it's not. i had my daughter when i was 19.

I have a friend, Sue, 21, who admitted she loved one of her children over the other. And yesterday, she said that really scared the sh*t of me:

"There are moments – in my least sane and darkest thoughts – when I think it wouldn’t be so bad if I lost my Cindy (1), as long as I never had to lose my Bobby (2)."

Which makes me sad to just that. :(


i wouldn't be scared (or sad) about that. people say thoughtless things all the time.
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Big-Will
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Re: Is it wrong to play favorites?

Postby Big-Will » Thu Jun 21, 2012 4:21 am

Dr Sleep wrote:
Big-Will wrote:It's wrong to play favorites, since you want to love your kids equally, but you end up having a favorite or two anyway. The secret is in having enough love to pass around and not to focus too much on your favorite.

Do you have children?

No, but I was a child once. :)
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maytess12
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Re: Is it wrong to play favorites?

Postby maytess12 » Thu Jun 21, 2012 4:24 am

Big-Will wrote:
Dr Sleep wrote:
Big-Will wrote:It's wrong to play favorites, since you want to love your kids equally, but you end up having a favorite or two anyway. The secret is in having enough love to pass around and not to focus too much on your favorite.

Do you have children?

No, but I was a child once. :)

Something tells me you weren't the favorite child, we're you?
Looking back, I dont think I was either.
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Re: Is it wrong to play favorites?

Postby Big-Will » Thu Jun 21, 2012 4:27 am

Probably not, but I wasn't the black sheep either. I am one of 9 brothers and sisters. I wasn't all that concerned about it.
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zzyzx 1
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Re: Is it wrong to play favorites?

Postby zzyzx 1 » Thu Jun 21, 2012 9:56 am

Everyone has their own ideas on this - I see it every day with my internship. Whether people I see are married and are getting or have a divorce (and have children), or were never married and have children, the courts look only at what's in the best interest (in the court's opinion) of the child (children). From what I've seen, if there is more then one child these parents I see (married or not) do have a preference. I hear every day: "I'll take Billy and (the other parent) will take Achmed."

These parents have a preference. Now if separated parents have a preference it isn't a far stretch to consider parents who are staying together having their own preference as well. In a perfect world my opinion is that all children should be equal in the eyes of their parents. But from what I've seen this is rarely the case.

Of course, those parents who do treat their children as equals are the parents whom I never see in my office so I am not getting a balanced picture of the situation out their of "is it wrong to play favorites."
maytess12
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Re: Is it wrong to play favorites?

Postby maytess12 » Thu Jun 21, 2012 11:41 am

Was anyone on this board a favorite or non-favorite?
triplemultiplex
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Re: Is it wrong to play favorites?

Postby triplemultiplex » Thu Jun 21, 2012 8:28 pm

In my experience, I couldn't perceive any favoritism from my parents towards me or one of my bros. Just from a practical point of view, there may have been a brief window where I may have been the "favorite" if for no other reason than I was creating the least amount of trouble for my parents.

If I was in my parents shoes, I'd rank me at the bottom of us three these days based solely on objective factors. Then again, I know a lot more about me than my parents do now. And I'd give me 3rd place.
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NeuroHeart
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Re: Is it wrong to play favorites?

Postby NeuroHeart » Fri Jun 22, 2012 3:23 pm

Big-Will wrote:I am one of 9 brothers and sisters.

Holy crap 0.o


I'm a little unusual in terms of how my own parents view me, because I'm my mom's second child and my dad's only child. So, I'm my dad's favorite child by virtue of being his only one (he was never really a father-figure to his once-stepson, my half-brother.) My mom hasn't played favorites, but my brother is quite a bit older than me, and spent a lot of time living with his own father, so my memories of us being children together are rather vague.

maytess12 wrote:I think it wouldn’t be so bad if I lost my Cindy (1), as long as I never had to lose my Bobby (2).

That is a bit horrifying to me as well. I am sure that my mom would be devastated to lose either of her children. To be fair, she worries more about my brother, but she has more reason to. Frankly, he makes poorer life choices than I do. He's done a few things that he's pretty lucky to have survived.



My maternal grandmother, apparently, did this a bit; she favored her two sons far more than her three daughters. As children, one of my uncles would often lie and get my mom in trouble, and be believed even after being caught crying wolf many times. (Grandpa was less tolerant of this behavior, if he saw it, but he wasn't the one who was there most of the day.) In her last week of life, when her two youngest daughters were the ones actually there with her and making sure she was cared for, my grandma was happiest talking about their little brother. My mom was deeply disturbed by this throughout her life, and actually felt like her own mother didn't really love her at all. She's in her late fifties now, and I don't think she's entirely over it, because there are times when she'll look at me and ask, "I've always let you know you were important to me, right? You know I love you?" This question does not arise from anything in our relationship, because I certainly never doubted my mom loved me. Her concern about it comes from her own doubts about her mother, and how lousy it made her feel. Seeing that sort of long-term impact... Yes, it is wrong to play favorites.
To believe in something just because you're afraid of the consequences if you don't believe in something is no reason to believe in something.
Unassumption
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Re: Is it wrong to play favorites?

Postby Unassumption » Fri Jun 22, 2012 4:27 pm

Both sets of my grandparents picked favourites, against my parents, and it's seemingly effected my parents negatively to this day. Anecdotal evidence, but it suggests favourites is bad, even if you'd like one of your kids more if they weren't a relative. Mum only has one brother, proving it's not just something that happens in big families.

I'm my mom's second child and my dad's only child

SNAP!
Despite this my dad seems to play favourites less than mum. I hear there's evidence that step parents tend to do less for step kids, but those trends have exceptions and my dad's definitely one, as is my niece's step-dad. All my sister's 4 kids are their dad's only kid come to think of it XD
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NeuroHeart
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Re: Is it wrong to play favorites?

Postby NeuroHeart » Fri Jun 22, 2012 5:02 pm

Unassumption wrote:
I'm my mom's second child and my dad's only child

I hear there's evidence that step parents tend to do less for step kids, but those trends have exceptions...

Well, bear in mind that my parents split when I was quite young. Had their relationship lasted longer, my dad would have potentially had more of a hand in raising my brother and come to think of him more as a son. It didn't happen that way, so I really am my dad's only child.
To believe in something just because you're afraid of the consequences if you don't believe in something is no reason to believe in something.

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